Assertiveness vs aggressiveness- what’s the difference and how can you be more assertive? For a second, imagine your colleague or your boss has unjustly criticized you. How do you respond to that? Do you choose to take the criticism and let it go, or do you let them know how it is unfair to you? Or maybe you just shout back at them about how lazy and incompetent they themselves are?
You can choose to make any of the above responses in any conflict. Which answer is the most appropriate one?
Researchers have been studying assertiveness as the most effective communication tool for decades. In this article, we will discuss what assertiveness is, what makes it so important, assertiveness vs. aggressiveness, and how you can become more assertive.
What is Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a communication style in which you can express your interest without feelings of stress, shame, or guilt. Everyone has a right to say what they want. Assertive communication is doing just that by defending your right but not stepping on that of others.
Assertive behavior can be proactive by saying what you want or passive by defending yourself against what is imposed on you. It is simply speaking your mind comfortably and stating your position.
Being assertive includes recognizing your needs and wants and believing you have the right to demand what you want. You can only speak your mind if you value yourself and your needs as much as you do those of others.
The Assertiveness Skillset
Assertiveness includes the following skills:
- Voicing your thoughts and opinions without offending others
- Saying no to unreasonable demands
- Putting forward your needs/ asking for a favor
- Expressing how you feel, be it positive or negative
- Starting and maintaining conversations
- Convince or persuade someone
- Defending your rights when they are being threatened
- Holding yourself in high esteem and valuing your opinions
Related: Mindset to Win- 7 Powerful Mindsets for Success
Why Do I Need to be Assertive?
Assertiveness is without a doubt one of the most important interpersonal skills in personal and professional lives. Here are the top reasons why you need to be more assertive.
Related: Why is Assertive Communication an Effective Strategy?
1. Assertive people get what they want.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take – Wayne Gretzky – Michael Scott”
People often shy away from expressing their needs because they fear they will come off as too pushy or they are afraid they will not get what they want. However, the truth is, if you assert what you want, you have more chances of getting your way.
As the saying goes, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. People can not magically know what you want. If you do not express yourself, chances are people will never know and you may not get desired results. That is why it is essential to be assertive.
2. Assertive people are perceived as more powerful.
Assertive people are perceived to be influential individuals. Therefore, assertiveness puts you in an advantageous position in social networks and relationships. Assertive people are more compelling and are more likely to get positive outcomes in negotiations.
Related: The Top Leadership Quality According to Nelson Mandela
3. Assertive people have high self-esteem
Assertive people have greater self-esteem. Assertiveness is founded on the belief that your values and opinions matter. Such people hold themselves in high regard and are confident in themselves and their abilities. They value themselves and their rights and stand up for themselves whenever someone oversteps them. Research has shown that those who lack assertiveness have a negative perception of themselves and low self-worth.
Related: What is Imposter Syndrome and How to Overcome it
4. Assertive people have better mental health outcomes
Mental health disorders such as depression, stress, and anxiety have been associated with unassertiveness. People struggling with such conditions have difficulty behaving assertively. Many researchers have explored the positive effect of assertiveness training on mental health outcomes and easing disorders such as depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and other serious mental illnesses.
5. Assertiveness strengthens your relationships
Assertiveness is a crucial psychological factor in relationships, associated with more positive outcomes. Marriages in which both or either partner is unassertive report higher anxiety and stress levels and lesser relationship satisfaction. Husbands who are aggressive and physically abusive have been found to have low assertiveness levels.
Related: Use These Trust Builders in Your Conversations to Influence People
6. Assertiveness saves you from cell phone addiction
A surprising consequence of assertiveness is that you are less likely to fall for cell phone addiction. Research on assertiveness in adolescents found that adolescents who are not assertive tend to avoid real-life social encounters as they are intimidated by them and prefer to engage more in virtual interactions. Resultantly, they will likely get addicted to their smartphones and gradually lose real-time social life.
Assertiveness vs Aggressiveness- What Makes Them Different?
Assertiveness vs Aggressiveness- what’s the difference?
Assertiveness vs Aggressiveness- what makes them different? Often people confuse assertiveness with aggression because of its quality of being direct. However, in reality, assertiveness is very different from aggressiveness.
Aggressiveness involves using hostility, threat, or violence to get what you want.
Aggressiveness is rooted in anger and hatred and compels you to use threatening means to get what you want. Assertiveness, on the other hand, is polite and courteous. It does not relate to violence or the use of force. For instance, you want to arrange a meeting with your team but some of the members are not available at the time you want. You can either force them to come to the meeting by threatening to fire them if they don’t i.e. being aggressive, or you can provide alternative time options that work for everyone (assertive).
Aggressiveness does not respect the rights of others.
It allows stepping on the rights and needs of others in pursuit of yours and inflicting harm or damage on the other person. Conversely, assertiveness acknowledges and respects the rights of others. It is simply positioning your needs firmly and confidently. Let’s suppose you are in a meeting and the manager is looking for ideas. You start pitching your ideas and do not let anyone else take a turn. You interrupt anyone who tries to speak. This is aggressiveness. If you were being assertive, you would put forward your ideas and let everyone else chip in too.
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Aggressive people often overlook the consequences of their actions on others and themselves.
They only look out for themselves and disrespect or ignore what other people want and often take dramatic actions that harm themselves or others. Assertive people, on the contrary, are mindful of the consequences of their actions. For example, suppose your manager asks you to perform some extra tasks. You get angry at her audacity to ask for more work when you’re already burdened with your existing work. You can either shout at her and risk getting fired, or you can calmly tell her you cannot take extra work.
How to Be Assertive, Not Aggressive
How to be assertive: assertiveness vs aggressiveness
Now that you understand what it means by assertiveness vs aggressiveness, here are some of the ways to become more assertive.
1. It all starts with the mindset
To be assertive, you have to start with your mindset. Remind yourself you are valuable and that your voice matters. Work proactively on your belief system to strengthen your self-esteem.
2. Identify your values
Self-awareness is phenomenal when it comes to assertiveness. You must identify your values and priorities; otherwise, others will do it for you. Once you know what’s important to you, you can identify and point out whenever someone steps over the line.
3. Take a step back and reflect
When conversing with people, pause and take a step back to reflect on the situation. Before responding, ask yourself: What do I want from this situation? How do I feel about it? Is the other person’s demand violating my values or abusing my rights? If it is, acknowledge that you feel irritated about it. Instead of impulsively reacting, clearly and respectfully articulate your feelings and thoughts.
4. Communicate your needs more often
We have been programmed since our childhood that asking someone to fulfill our needs is selfish. You have to change that belief and express more often what you want. If you do not let others know what you want, they will never know and you will never get it. Express them confidently, politely, and respectfully.
5. Do not seek permission to express your opinions
At school, we were told to raise our hands and seek the teacher’s permission before saying something. As an adult, you don’t have to do that anymore. Stop saying, “Can I add something here?” to express your opinion in meetings or when talking to people. You have the right to express your thoughts without seeking others’ permission.
Likewise, do not use phrases such as “I don’t know if I should say this” or “Do you mind if I add something here?”. Express your ideas strongly. Use phrases such as “Here’s what I think we should do” and “ I was thinking about it and I had this idea.” But do not push. If you force others to accept your ideas then it becomes aggressive.
6. Focus on your nonverbal language
Did you know your nonverbal language is essential to your communication? You need to strengthen your body language in order to be assertive. Stop slouching as it comes off as weak. Straighten your back and shoulders, and use your hands. Maintain steady eye contact and speak clearly and firmly in a loud, audible voice. Do not exaggerate your body language toward aggressiveness. Glaring at the other person, shouting, pointing fingers, and raising fists shows hostility. Avoid it.
Related: Use These Non-Verbal Cues to Influence People
7. Say NO when you have to
You do not have to accept every request directed at you. Before responding to a request, ask yourself: is the request reasonable? Do not hesitate to ask for more information for clarity (the devil is in the details). Say No firmly. It is equally important to remember that you do not have to apologize and explain your reasons for refusing.
8. Identify and express how you feel
Assess your emotions and feelings if you feel hurt by what someone has said. Identify what the person said that aroused a negative emotion in you and tell them about it.
Related: Best Emotional Intelligence Practices to Get Results at the Workplace
9. Seek professional help- assertiveness training
If you find it challenging to become assertive yourself, you can seek help. Many psychologists and coaches offer assertiveness training. Book a session and see the change in yourself. Assertiveness therapies/exercises help you modify your fundamental beliefs and help rehearse assertive behavior in real-life situations with the therapist/ coach.